Mark A. Santomieri: Notes From Podunk

Column by Mark A. Santomieri
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Let me introduce myself … I am a man of both wealth and taste.

Okay, enough of Mick Lips and the rolling uglies … on to better thoughts.

Let’s talk about the Shenandoah Valley and our epicenter, Waynesboro. I’ve got no reason to think that Augusta County should think that Staunton is superior or should rule our Valley.

I humbly suggest war.

It would behoove the nice citizens of Waynesboro to take up arms now, start fortifying goods at Walmart and Sharp Shopper and prepare for death matches at city council meets. Heads should roll. There is much at stake. The future is looming, and the budgets are not quite right and tight. The Waynesboro Library, its Friends and Foundation soon to be merged, are on the march to move to the front lines to actually improve service to the community. The various and sundry supporters are bivouacked behind the post office and the police department. First responders are drinking coffee and eating doughnuts at the convenient spots scattered about the 340 and Broad Street.

Don’t get me wrong. We have the best of the best as first responders and volunteers, but overkill? If one lights off the whole department for an accident that could easily be fixed by an EMT visit, well, doesn’t that seem to be a waste of good doughnut time?

Thankfully, we’re not used to the kind of villainous activity that our “good friends” to the west, in Staunton let’s say, deal with on a semi-daily basis. Gang violence, street crime and so such are really a figment of our collective imagination here, aren’t they? This is the greatest place on Earth to live, and no harm shall come forth. It’s written somewhere, I’m sure. I just can’t find the reference.

In sum, I suggest a modest proposal: nuke Staunton from orbit and take back our Valley. It might take a few years, but hey, that property will become invaluable free parking for the ever expanding Harrisonburg outlet malls and will give us all a warm and fuzzy glow at night.

Just thinking out loud …