Chris Saxman: Cold Fusion – The Avengers Sequel Edition
The price of Hollywood movies gives me great pause when it comes to deciding to go to a theatre and take in a flick. With fellow attendees of the tax exemption variety and their stomachs, some back of the envelope math can push the total expense to about $75. So, for me to see the SAME movie TWICE in the SAME weekend, it’s probably the best movie ever.
The Avengers is that good – yes, it is worth the price of admission not just once, but twice. Heck, I might take in a matinee this afternoon while the little exemptions are snug in their school desks. If you have not seen it yet – go now. No, I mean RIGHT NOW.
As revenues are quickly approaching over $1,000,000,000 worldwide, you know full well a sequel is underway as you read this. Following the end of the movie, the credits roll into a scene which has to be the basis of the sequel. Frankly, it was disappointing.
What is likely to happen is that there will be another invasion of mega powered aliens and the Avengers will once again save the human race. BOOOORING. Been there, done that!
This got me to think – what is the only power in this universe that could kill the Avengers? How can you stop Ironman, Captain America, Thor, The Incredible Hulk, Hawk and the Black Widow?
Federal Regulatory Agencies!
Now, for all those Liberals who majored in Nitwittery – Conservatives are not opposed to every regulation just because we question some of them and the sum of them. Appropriate regulations can help create a vibrant free market economy. We just think that there is a point of diminishing returns and after said point occurs, bad things happen. Layoffs, destruction of wealth, consolidation of capital and population shifts which result in unsustainable fiscal obligations are “bad things.” Feel free to throw up the air quotes… “bad things”
Imagine Ironman Tony Stark having to deal with the EPA on the emissions of his flying suit. After an exhaustive five year study, it will have been determined that Ironman’s flying suit creates too much diphosphoric neutronial oxide and Ironman will have to reduce said emissions by 97.6% within 120 days of the promulgation said regulation. Failure to comply with said will cause the revocation of Ironman’s license to participate in human race saving activities.
To create that reduction in emissions, OSHA will recommend that, despite the sterling safety record of Mr Stark’s personal laboratory, Mr Stark will have to hire 51 people in order for Mr Stark to comply with all federal regulations on emissions control and workplace safety.
The National Labor Relations Board having heard of this new workforce will require safety training for all new employees and drug testing. And forklift training. And cultural sensitivity training. Mr Stark will also have to provide day care and health care for the staff. This is not a burden to Mr Stark since he is very wealthy and is a “fat cat.” Whoops, almost forgot! – Family and Medical Leave Act – over 50 employees. Soooorrry.
During their breaks, the new staff will have to eat in a Health Department inspected dining facility. Should any baking, cooking or food creation of any kind occur, the FDA will be notified of any and all such activity in order to make sure that no worker’s safety will be put at risk. This will not take any of Mr Stark’s time away from protecting the Earth’s human population. Nope.
Captain America and The Incredible Hulk will be shut down due to their genetic mutations which occurred when their bodies were exposed to chemicals and radiation thus altering their natural states. See, this is why we have regulations, DUH!
Thor will be under investigation for swinging his Mighty Hammer in public. On three separate and distinctly different occasions, he will come dangerously close to hitting a Wind Turbine Propelled Prius, an Organic Bran Muffin Stand and a Nest of Tufted Titmouse.
The Titmouse will go to therapy, but will get better – like you care!
The Hawk and Black Widow will be cited for not having the appropriate training and licensure for their respective Bow and Arrow and 9mm Glock. They will still be allowed to participate in human race saving activities but not with their weapons. They will be strongly urged to learn “How to Win a Debate with Extra Terrestrial Beings Who Seek Destruction of Our Planet and/or Subjugation Of Our Fellow Humans.”
But we will all die.
A little over the top? Not really.
Imagine all the hyperventilation that would occur if the Federal Government tried to censor or regulate what Hollywood produces. There would be blood in the streets and law suits galore with people suggesting that their First Amendment freedoms were being infringed upon, right? Right!
Remember all the sturm und drang over Rap lyrics and some movie scenes? How’d that go? Sure some labels were slapped on, PG-13 was created for movies, but did that stop ABC Family Channel from having shower scenes of Beverly D’Angelo? Nope. (reminder – thank you note to ABC)
What’s the common Liberal refrain if you find a television show or movie or song offensive or against your beliefs? Why, just turn the channel….you have choices! Exercise your freedoms!
Tell that to the EPA, FDA, OSHA, NLRB, ATF, or IRS the next time they think the free market cannot do to us what they should.
Now go out and create jobs you greedy, no value producing, anti human, amphibial tax producing One Percenter!