The psychology of gifts
Story by Chris Graham
newdominion@ntelos.net
Leslie Chisnell will never forget the candles that she pulled out of the red box with a satin bow – not so much for the candles, but for who gave them to her.
It was her future husband, Kevin, who came red box-with-satin bow in hand for Christmas dinner.
The box and the bow are still around, as are the candles, “burned down,” Chisnell said, but they occupy a prominent place in the mantel of their Waynesboro home.
Psychologists refer to gifts under the category of flashbulb memories. It can be similar to how you can remember where you were and what you were thinking on 9/11, according to Mary Baldwin College psychology professor Louise Freeman.
“These are memories for special emotionally-relevant events in our lives, events that can tend to be remembered very well because of the emotions that the gift brings up,” Freeman said.
What makes the memory stronger, Freeman said, is how often you revisit the memory. With 9/11, for instance, a lot of us shared our experiences from that day because it took on the life of a mass event, and the more we shared what we were doing and thinking that day, the more the memories seared into our memory banks.
“If it’s a gift you end up using, for instance, if it’s your favorite toy, a doll or stuffed animal that you sleep with for many years, that pair of roller skates that you used until they wore out, you interact with that object many, many times, that memory gets very, very solidified in your brain, so you can remember it years later when you’re a grandmother, and you can remember back to the Christmas when you were 5 years old, and you got that Raggedy Ann doll that you’d always wanted,” Freeman said.
Which is why it’s so easy for Julie Crone of Fishersville to remember her favorite Christmas gift, because it’s with her every minute of every day. She had taken her boyfriend, Gary, home for the holidays to meet her father and grandparents.
“Christmas Eve came, and we were going to exchange presents the next day. Everyone else had gone to bed, but Gary and I were hanging out, watching TV. He asked if we could exchange our presents that evening. I’m not one for delayed gratification, so I agreed,” Crone remembered.
Turns out his present was a ring, and he asked for her hand in marriage. “That was the one present that wasn’t going to be exchanged or returned. It’s definitely the most memorable present I’ve ever gotten,” Crone said.
Now examining the notion that it is better to give than to receive, Freeman cautions that the psychology of gift-giving contains an element of expected reciprocity. “Not to be cynical about it, but it can be expected that the better gifts you give, the better gifts you can expect to receive,” Freeman said.
But it’s not entirely a quid pro quo. Plenty of us do Angel Trees and Toys for Tots to buy gifts for children from needy families who won’t be reciprocating our gift-giving with us. “And there’s something reinforcing to that,” Freeman said.
“Even if we aren’t there to see the person open the gift and enjoy it, we certainly can imagine the child opening the truck I just bought him and being really happy about it. And because we humans can imagine things like that outside our own experience, that can be as rewarding as being there and seeing the person enjoy your gifts in person,” Freeman said.
A November Harris Interactive poll reinforces Freeman on that point – telling us that 95 percent of us say our focus over the holidays should be on helping children in need.
“And think about how hard it is to get 95 percent of Americans to agree on anything,” said Justin Greeves, a researcher at Harris Interactive.
Which explains all the toy drives you see this time of year. And the Help-Portrait effort being led locally by Waynesboro-based photographer and artist Kevin Blackburn to help families in need get holiday portraits done free of charge.
“I’m at dinner at Applebee’s, and there’s family there with a 4-year-old daughter, Hayley, who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I looked over at this family with this little girl who’s so sick, and I thought, You know what, there’s no way they can go out and have a nice family portrait taken, because they really can’t afford it,” Blackburn said.
“If we can touch that family, make them smile, make that little girl smile that day, that’s what it’s all about. It’s a gift to me to be able to do it,” Blackburn said.
